


Buck Begins

by Onlymystory



Series: The Badass Background of one Evan Buckley [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Backstory, Buck's dad is a shitty human being, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Training, U.S. Navy SEAL Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:21:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23266144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymystory/pseuds/Onlymystory
Summary: When Evan Buckley Spencer is five years old, he wants to be a firefighter.They save people he says.He’s going to be one someday.
Series: The Badass Background of one Evan Buckley [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672339
Comments: 30
Kudos: 561





	Buck Begins

**Author's Note:**

> Like, as soon as I posted "One of the Good Guys" this got stuck in my head so I had to get it out. 
> 
> Warnings for a number of references to child abuse and 1 use of "pussy" in a derogatory and homophobic form.  
> Nothing is detailed or overly explicit.

When Evan Buckley Spencer is five years old, he wants to be a firefighter. 

They save people he says.

They get to live at the fire station.

It’s the coolest. 

He’s going to be one someday.

~

While Evan Buckley Spencer is still five years old, he drops a sack of groceries after being distracted by the neighbor’s new bicycle.

His father backhands him across the face.

Tells him if he can’t save a carton of eggs, how does he think he’ll be smart enough to save an actual person.

~

When Evan is nine, he wants to be a nurse.

Maddie is going to be a nurse he says. 

He can fix people up too.

He doesn’t actually see his sister anymore, not since she moved out as soon as she graduated high school, moved in with her boyfriend Doug.

Evan doesn’t like Doug.

~

When Evan is nine, his teacher compliments his parents on Evan’s dream of being a nurse.

Evan doesn’t even bother asking her to stop.

She could compliment him all day and the result would be the same.

Nursing is a woman’s job.

His father isn’t raising some pussy.

Evan ducks his head while the belt buckle hits his back, over and over, until his father believes the message has sunk in. 

~

When Evan is eleven, he doesn’t want to be anything.

He gets to be a pallbearer.

Gets to bury his mother and wish they were burying him too.

Maddie is there. 

Pats him on the head and tells him to be good for Dad.

They grew up with completely different lives in the exact same house. 

~

When Evan is eleven, he learns how to sew up his own cuts.

Learns not to grimace when the salt of his tears stings the gash on his face.

He doesn’t want to be anything.

~

When Evan is fifteen, he wants to be Jimmy Matthew’s boyfriend.

He wants to be happy.

He wants to pretend, for five minutes, that he has a different life.

He wants to be somewhere his dad can never find him.

~

When Evan is fifteen, Jimmy’s parents find them.

They move away.

Evan doesn’t move.

Can’t move.

For a very long time.

~

When Evan is sixteen, he wants to leave.

So he does.

He never looks back.

~

At seventeen, he forges a signature and signs up for the Navy SEALs. 

It’s tough.

No, it’s brutal.

He won’t pretend otherwise. 

The guys who act like they’re tough enough for this are the first to wash out. 

The thing is, the SEALs are more mental than anything else. That’s how they break you. What are you willing to put with? How far can they push you? 

Oh that far? Okay, let’s push a little harder. 

For the first time, it doesn’t feel cruel. Evan knows what they’re doing. Conditioning, training...SEALS are the elite of the elite. You can’t just keep up, you have to be the best so the right people die, not the wrong ones.

He knows what they think when he comes in. Still a little too scrawny, still learning how to bulk up now that he’s allowed to eat. They think he’s got a good heart, but a good heart only gets you so far. He’ll break he hears his instructors say. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if he’s just very good at eavesdropping or if they have these conversations in earshot on purpose, to see if you rise to the challenge or ring the bell.

Evan wants to tell them they underestimate him. Wants to tell them who he is.

He shows them instead.

He’s quiet, so quiet moving through the woods. 

He waits in the freezing ocean for the sound to come back in. His fellow trainees shiver in the cold. Evan wants to tell them this is nothing. Spend a night outside in nothing but your pajamas on a January in Pennsylvania because Dad wanted steak and he made chicken.

He sees the looks on his instructors’ faces the first round of drownproofing. It’s the first time he’s been required to remove his shirt and there’s no hiding those scars. 

Evan doesn’t hear the conversations being had while he’s underwater. He thinks there’s supposed to be a moment of panic. He’s supposed to fight through the fear to come out the other side.

Evan wants to tell them that he’s known what fear was since he was five years old, face stinging as his legs soaked up broken eggs and spilt milk.

The training class is smaller by the time they reach phase 2. Evan’s pretty sure his instructors have a bet on who will get him to startle first at the way they keep surprise attacking him.

It never works. 

How can it? To be surprised, you have to stop being vigilant. Evan’s never known what that feels like. 

~

When Evan is seventeen, he jumps out of a plane at nearly 10,000 feet, dressed in full combat gear, and he thinks he’s never felt so alive. 

~

When Evan is nineteen, his commanding officer introduces him to John Clark.

Over time, Evan fades away. He becomes Buck. 

Buck has brothers. He has a family. 

Buck has people to watch his back.

He learns to fight and to fuck and to love and to hate.

He learns to be very good at what he does and that it’s okay not to like that about himself. 

Buck likes being a SEAL, he likes it a lot.

He just doesn’t know if it’s who he is. Doesn’t know if it fills his soul the way it should.

~

When Buck is twenty-five, he looks at John and says he’s done.

Eliot’s gone. 

Barnes has been in the wind for months.

Steve took a “retirement”. 

He says he’s sorry.

John tells him not to be, that he’s one hell of a soldier, but he’s a better human. That humans belong in the light, not the shadows. 

John hugs him, says okay, says call when you need me.

Chavez hugs him too, says you fucker, says you call once a week, not when you need something.

~

When Buck is twenty-five, he wants to be a firefighter.

He wants to save people.

So he does.

**Author's Note:**

> So um, yeah, if it wasn't obvious, I'll be playing in this verse for a while.


End file.
